It's a new month and I'm still alive! So the last few weeks have been crazy. It's one of those times in your life when things really do change. I'm not quite sure if it's just all the swirl of emotions and feelings, but I have a new perspective on a lot of things.
So, I'm ready to move on and am really trying hard to keep things in perspective and be logical about everything. It's sad not to be pregnant like I thought I was suppose to be at this point. You get used to the idea very quickly and start making plans....and get more attached then you'd ever think. I didn't think I was as attached to my pregnancy until it was gone. It's a very surreal feeling. I never thought I could miss something I never knew or really had. Very deep sense of loss. I thought I'd be more upset with losing 13 weeks and having a wrench thrown in the plans, then having a feeling of loss. Interesting.
With that said, this is so much more common then I had ever thought. I thought people get pregnant and have babies....and that's it. Every once in a while something happens....but not me. Yeah right. Seems like every other person I know has had something like this happen. People just don't talk about it. It's pretty creepy actually. According to my doctor, I'm pretty lucky in that my bad pregnancy was a random act of nature that doesn't happen to the same person twice very often. My body is very healthy so that is a good thing....I suppose. I never knew that your body could be pregnant for so long after "losing" a pregnancy so soon. Supposedly, my pregnancy was doomed from the very beginning. It just took this long to figure it out. I never had any symptoms or clues. Weird.
I was very sad with a great sense of loss.....then lonely. The waves of emotions came on strong and would quickly come and go. Thank goodness for Jason. He is an amazing husband and support. I know he had a very hard time with the situation as well. Most recently, I had this anger thing going on. It was surprising to me. This very, very strong sense of anger would come on....and I wasn't really angry at anyone or anything specifically. I'm thinking it had to do with my follow up visit....among other little things. I think I just didn't want to deal with the "old pregnancy" again. It kept me from moving on I guess. I was super annoyed with having my through the roof blood pressure checked that day....and having to step on the scale to see my rapid weight loss. I knew I lost quite a bit of weight in 2 weeks since my appetite was next to nothing. That was actually the worst part.
So, anyway, my doctor came in and we talked for like 15 minutes....mostly about running. Turns out she is a runner! Not overly competitive, but a runner nonetheless. It really made my day to have this conversation. I walked out feeling pretty good....but still different from the person who I was a few months before. I'm sure I'm much better in certain ways....mostly with my outlook and perspective.
It's funny how life can do funny thing to you and funny times. Just roll with the punches and you'll get to where to need to be.
On the running front....I'm back to about 50 miles per week and feeling pretty darn good. I've been running just about everyday. It's a great stress relief and keep me even keel. I plan on running a few races for fun to see where I am....maybe throw in a couple tempo/fartlek type runs for good measure. In the mean time....we'll see what the future brings.
I plan on getting back to my normal posts from now on.......